booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
