I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
