Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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