my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
