He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Randomize
