About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
