wat bout pragnant strippers??
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
