just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
