I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
