Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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