if you like me you must not know who I am
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
