So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
