every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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