You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
