Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
