I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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