The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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