I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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