I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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