im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
just found out that she named her cat after me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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