She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
