Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
