you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize