im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We talked him into tasing himself.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize