For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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