You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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