the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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