i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
