I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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