tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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