my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
