Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
