This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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