My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
