I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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