i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
