well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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