well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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