Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
