Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
