i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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