it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
