Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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