You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
