i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
