if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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