hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
