Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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