I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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