Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
