Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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