there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
