Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Randomize
