there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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