I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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