There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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