hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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