i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
