this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
there is glitter all over my balls
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